Men and their self-gratification (part 3)

I woke up and called all my cousins and friends who had a boy child to share the information. I don’t know if that’s how they wanted to start their day. One of them had a one year old. I hope I didn’t change the way she would look at her son. If you don’t know, new moms are extremely paranoid and new dads are like like a deer in headlights.

But I was sure I was saving the world.

But slowly thoughts started taking over me… If I have a girl child, I would know somewhat when she would get her periods, I know everything about female hygiene. I asked myself, “Do fathers talk to their sons about hygiene? The only thing I remember my parents screaming at my brother was, ‘ poyi kulikyada.’” (Go take shower.)

Anyway, I would not take seriously when my girl child’s hormones act up and she would turn into a monster. I would be able to empathise with her when she would have period cramps. But I would never be able to understand how bad it hurts when a cricket ball hits the crotch of a boy… I would never know if I should tell him more than “poyi kulikada” and if so, what? and at what age would I start seeing fevicol…

I had to talk to someone who is more experienced. There is something about me that you would have realised by now… I’m sort of a control freak I need to know everything about parenting before I even think of having a child. So no sex till then… I don’t care if my man turn 35 and fat… I need to know everything…

Once when I was in Delhi, my brother and sister-in-law came over for weekend stay at my parents’ place. In Delhi, after dinner we all sit around to catch up with each other’s life. My sister in law is a North-Indian so we have mixed all three languages and created something of our own to communicate.

My brother had shifted his job recently. My mother and brother both work in health care industry so we had our traditional debate on whose hospital was better… That is when I remembered my quest. My mother is a woman who has a boy child! Who better than her to answer all my questions….

So I cleared my throat… and started “Mama… last week Abish’s friends were over….”

I didn’t know my mom’s eye could open this big…. My brother tried to change the topic but I was adamant. I continued, “Ma, did you ever see fevicol in Ashish’s bed and what did you do?

My mother started laughing. My brother sprang up from the seat and moved to the sofa area screaming, “Yeh pagal ho gayi hai“. (She has gone mad.)

I didn’t care if I made him uncomfortable. I turned to my mother and asked one more time. She was almost breathless. My dad politely got up and moved to the sofa to join my brother. He took out the newspaper and started reading. I should remind you it was almost 11 pm and last time I checked, dad reads papers in the morning.

The distance from our dinning table to sofa is just 10 steps, so if they actually wanted to avoid the topic, the men could have moved to the bedrooms. By now my sister in law also joined the conversation. She asked my brother, “Tera weird place kahan tha Ashish?” (where was your weird place?)

My house by then looked like Priyadarshan film’s climax sequence.

I looked at my mom again. She said,”Ende kuttikal valuthakumbol othiri chodyangal chodikkum ennu enikku ariyaamaayirunnu. Pakshe ingane onnu prateekshichilla.” (I knew my kids will grow up and ask a lot of questions but I never expected this.)

My dad by then decided to somehow end this mess so he looked at me still holding the paper and said, “Archana this is sin.”

He dropped the S word. In Catholic faith everything is a sin. The sin list is so long that no mortal can ever make it to heaven by living in this world. But that’s a topic we’ll save it for later.

I took a deep breath. My brother mentally gave a high-five to my dad for saving the day. Everyone was quiet except for my mom who was still laughing. I was thinking of a comeback…

My mom’s laugh increased. She looked at my dad and said, “Oh, pinne oru punyavalan. Onnum cheyathe oru aal.” (Oh, a saint! As if you haven’t done it)

I was in shock. Everyone started laughing. My dad was still confused what to do.I can worry about my son but in no way I wanna think about my dad’s weird places.

So that’s it… I decided to end my quest. 

39 Comments

  1. Well, Fevicol! I like the word..! Even if the quest is over, we still wanna see you writing more, it’s really good reading your blog. Great job!

  2. Great ! At last some one has belled the cat ! Menstruation and masturbation are two phenomenons we mallus always tried to dodge and keep under the carpet.

  3. These were hilarious to read, especially your little thought bubbles. Loved it 😂
    One point though, I don’t think masturbation is a boy’s world. All my female friends have done it in all kinds of places too 😂

    1. Ha, same!
      But there were also cases when we had to explain (educate, more like) to the ‘sinless’ few as to what this whole holy – clit thing is xD

  4. You just nailed it. Its the 1st time I’m laughing this hard reading a blog. Well most men really don’t like to talk about it in the presence of a women especially if she is a member of the family. Keep bloging in such funny manner 👍😂👌.

  5. Woah. That ended very abruptly !!! What’s your take now ? Should we talk about it should we not talk about it ?

  6. In the prime of your years which is the early twenties and you work in places or in a country like Saudi Arabia where you couldn’t even see the toes of a woman properly – thats what they used to tell us “ Hey man welcome to Saudi where your imagination runs wild and you are “married to your five fingers”. 😂😂😂😂 And if you don’t do that then may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your pubes and may your hand grow shorter that you won’t be able to scratch.😂😂😂😂

  7. I don’t mean to be rude, but what or how much knowledge do you have about the Catholic faith that you say/believe has a long sin list? These are things that are sins because of a reason, and not just because God chose or said that everything in this world is sinful. I completely agree with your Dad in this, and also in the matter of no sex before marriage i.e. chastity. Even though I sound like I’m offended, I’m not. It’s just that the Catholic faith is so beautiful and so true that anyone that says that it’s precepts and views are faulty, is highly mistaken, because the Church is infallible and cannot make mistakes, only humans do.
    (I still love you and will pray for you, that you and Abish may have a successful marriage)! ♥️

  8. @archana Go ahead and read Osho’s The Book of Children before you decide to give birth to a child. I think it will give you a new outlook on the topic.

  9. Interesting blog Archana..
    Well.. I think it’s time for me to shoot my fevicol after reading your blog!😋😂

  10. Fevicol..ha ha..it’s make laugh,I like the word😄.The way you present it makes this writing more attractable..You could be a good writer Archana📝..go ahead.,✒️

  11. Bold, interesting & important blog. Nicely said. But, mother’s quest should not end there. Even in this modern world of internet & social media, most of the boys will not understand what went wrong when they see fevicol for first time. Majority are misinformed & misguided by those informations. The psychological shock, emotions & guilt they faced at that tender age make things secretive & worst. All fathers forget that by the time they have sons of that age. Even if confronted with such situations, they prefer to act as Saints and condemn it as Sin.

    Boys need not be taught, they learns by themselves- that’s the attittude. But, as a mother takes care of female hygiene, its better if father talks to son, make him understand what is normal & what is abnormal and take care of male hygiene, especially when so many boys are born with phimosis. Many youngsters understand things when they reach hospital for surgery for phimosis within a week of their marriage.

  12. Fevicol. We’ve got a new phrase. Usually we use the word White Shampoo for this thing. WE means me and my best friend, who is a girl. We discuss these type of matters usually. we don’t think this is a SIN.

  13. ‘Fevicol’ what a phrase. A good thought on masturbation and I know it’s a good experience for you. Just keep writing more.😍

  14. Fevicol!!!…. Lol 😂😂😂
    I like that word…..
    Anyway ur blog is suprb & simple….
    It’s very is to follow u….
    Keep writing….. Good job

  15. ഈ Fevicol യാത്ര എങ്ങനെ അവസാനത്തിലെത്തിക്കുമെന്ന ആശങ്കയുണ്ടാർന്നു. 😁😁😁
    Any way u did a wonderful job.
    I hope that u will continue your quest.

  16. This three-part series was damn hilarious. Congratulations ma’am. You definitely seem to be a frank and entertaining blogger. And thanks for opening up a discussion on a matter that most people still consider taboo.
    Shall be looking forward to more of your blogs with eagerness.

  17. Eni head and shoulders shampoonde colour mattiyath pole fevicolum colour maatan sadhyatha indo?😂

    Part-4 koodi ezhuthikoode for educating us?

  18. This three-part series was damn hilarious. Congratulations ma’am. You definitely seem to be a frank and entertaining blogger. And thanks for opening up a discussion on a matter that most people still consider taboo.
    Shall be looking forward to more of your blogs with eagerness.

  19. Wow! A really interesting read. I’m reading a blog for the first time actually. I came to know of this post from program on TV. And really looking forward to more from you Archana. But, it seemed a bit hard on your brother put the topic in front of others. I can’t even imagine what I would have felt. But continue of course! Just take it easy on us guys😄

  20. Dear Archana,
    I don’t believe it’s a sin. It’s more like a biological need and I think it’s ok to have a conversation about sex and masturbation with family members. But it’s a very private matter and as you discuss it can put various images into your mind which you would find awkward . For eg You decided to end this conversation the moment you became aware of dad’s “ personal space “ ! You got kind of embarrassed and that’s why You decided to end the conversation right ? So I guess you realised that it’s indeed something personal and questioning it or such discussions beyond a limit can only lead to awkwardness ! And i don’t know why you had to blog about it as it was nothing but a conversation that invaded into your parents’ personal space which ended abruptly the moment you realised it’s wierd to talk about it. Anyway don’t think too much and end up being a confused child.. It’s not so complicated and nobody looks for parents approval on such matters. take a fevicol break whenever you feel like and enjoy it. That’s it.

  21. The entire blog made a good read. But hard 2 believe masturbation of both man n woman a taboo word this net–driven era. I remember one women-driven national channel openly showing one man doing dis in a bus. Bt one must see, der r lot of misconceptions regarding dis, especially that of men. Father is still reluctant 2 talk 2 d son, with the attitude dat son will learn it frm net or via friends. Mother is shy. So as u correctly put, son shudnt b haunted by d memory of his father’s or mother’s face every time he does this. Bt v must c teenager-boys’ knowledge regarding dis is not sufficient enough so dat he is unaware of things like how many times can he do it in a single day and so on..So every boy should b given a counselling by a psychiatrist or psychologist during his puberty ages. The boy shud freely b allowed to talk 2 d counsellor. I m still a virgin and unmarried. I m in my thirties and my doctor advised me to have it only once a day. With this, i m able 2 control my emotions n evil-thoughts well n good (during my teenage days, i remember having it more than 5 times a day and it ultimately resulted in the chemical imbalance of my brain. A normal teenager may not b able 2 do it like that.. Bt my secret success mantra was the covert intake of palatable Ashvagandhadi Lehyam which my father kept for his private use..) Also,one advice i want to give to masturbating ppl is ‘beware of d spy apps on ur mobile phones’ since most of us r masturbating watching the videos on net. Our private scenes can b secretly captured by these apps….

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