December 8, 2018
I had written this the day I posted my first blog; but I promised my parents that I would publish it only when I felt okay.
For the past few weeks I don’t know if you have noticed — or it’s just me who thinks the world revolves around me — that I wasn’t posting anything on any social media.
I don’t know if I should share it… Coz once it’s out in public there is no way I could take it back. And I don’t know if this is something I want you to know. Anyway chuck it… I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I’m on medication — and things will be fine.
If you are thinking, “Oh God one more person with their rich people problem,” I would like to say that I completely agree with you. In the past, wherever people used to talk about depression I used to feel the same. Just because we have a home to live and a relatively privileged life, we look out for issues and hence the new found disease called desperation.
I still battle between the above thought and the state I’m in… Anyway it’s my journey to figure out.
This is not an “I’m-not-well-send-me-some-love” letter. It’s just a way for me to figure out what’s going on, and in future, understand it better. Maybe understand someone else who would be talking the same language.
So yesterday I had posted my 1st blog. I was super excited and my dad decided to take me to a mall. I hadn’t stepped out of home for a few days.
After some time for no reason at all my heart started pumping fast. I felt like my wind pipe walls were sticking to each other. I was happy and sad at the same time and I just didn’t know what I should do.
I felt like crying but since we were in public I held it back… and trust me it was tough… Right now I wonder if I ever be okay in public.
Anything that excites me makes me sad. The emotions are mix matched and the worst part is that you feel all kinds of emotions at the same time.
I’m still struggling with how to express it.
Anyway this is to let you that I might not be able record a video for YouTube because I just can’t fake it. But I would love to connect with you all here, behind the comfort of words.
With lots of love
March 6, 2019
A lot happened in between, lost Woodie, slowly pushed myself to start posting… and I hope it’s going to be fine… I’m staying in Kochi because I like the calmness of the city. My parents take turn to be with me. Abish and my friends here have been great support. I can’t thank them enough. It’s not easy for them as well.
Today it’s just another day… writing after just another attack. If you ask me if I feel better… yes medications are helping me I guess.
I want to talk about my condition because I know there are many people who are suffering and don’t know what to do about it. I want you to know that you aren’t alone in this.
My biggest concern is my dearest media friends whether they could sensationalize this blog to get some extra clicks.
Hiding my health condition has been more stressful for me. I felt extremely better once I started telling my close people that this is what I’m going through. If you would ask me if I am fine to share this, I’m not sure…
There is a difference between deep sadness and depression. If you know the reason for your feelings then it can be sadness but if you don’t then please go see a good psychologist near you. She/he will guide you if you need a psychiatrist (there is nothing to be ashamed of it).
With lots of love